Hello unknown guest (brinylon) wrote,
Hello unknown guest

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Asexuality awareness week

It's this week and so I'm making a little post in my personal journal. Hi, I am Stella, and I identify as asexual :)

(This post gets pretty personal. Reader beware.)

I'm still not entirely sure if asexuality actually exists as an orientation or if there is something "wrong" with me, but I am happy to embrace the label.

After many years of feeling pressured into pursuing a relationship, I feel liberated by not having to bother anymore. It has taken me a long time, but I now see I have always only looked for a relationship with all the trims because that is what you do.

From a very early age I just did not get why my girlfriends turned giggly and weird around boys, and boys acted all strange and gruff when I just wanted to play! A little later I felt truly alienated when boys and girls started pursuing each other in earnest, and I didn't feel any need to join in. To fit in I made a few half hearted attempts that did not lead to anything. I basically chose a random boy and hung around him for a bit. Again a little later I assumed I was a lesbian. That was a relief for a very short time, a solution, but it turned out the same lack of interest and attraction persisted.

I had sex. With a man. I really, really wanted it, out of curiosity, and desperation to feel normal, for once. I was 30. It was boring. I was elated to be doing it, being able to have sex and, see, normal! But it went on and on, and halfway through I felt like I now had done it, and was done tyvm, and gods, how long was this going to take?! The Bloodhoung Gang lyrics "And we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch X files" made a lot of sense ;p I never bothered again.

So that's my story :)
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