Hello unknown guest (brinylon) wrote,
Hello unknown guest

  • Mood:

Life and its crap.

Earlier today I visited one of my old friends from uni for the first time in about a year. I am famously anti-social, which is all fine and dandy until something happens to one of my friends and then it sucks and I turn out to be a bad friend. I rely on other people to maintain the friendship and if they are unable to keep in touch I am incapable of picking up the slack. This behaviour has already cost me one of my best friends and is not pretty.

This friend had a stillborn baby last year and therefore no longer the inclination to be social and keep in touch with others. It has taken me until about last month to finally get on the phone myself after I learned that she was pregnant again (I did go to the funeral and have seen her on occasion at other friends' venues). Let's just say I had a sort of wake up call here. I think/hope I managed to repair things a bit but of course I'm not off the hook here, it will be up to me to keep in touch from now on for the foreseeable future.

Today was the first time I visited the new house where she and her SO moved in last year, after the tragedy. It is enormous, for Dutch standards, everything is brand new, furnished and styled to the nines (said friend has always been a tad neurotic, like all of us, probably why we are friends in the first place ;p). When she showed me around and I ooh-ed and aah-ed, everything just horribly underlined how sad she is and how hard this new pregnancy is for her.

She's about my age, her biological clock is ticking, even though she has not even begun mourning for her first child she feels she has to have another NOW because otherwise it'll be too late. She can't enjoy her pregnancy, infused as it is with fear and sadness. She does not enjoy the house, she has not taken the time to properly mourn, engrossed with moving and all the stuff moving into a brand new house entails, from dealing with the usual mentally challenged workman to choosing curtains and now the garden is being done.

She showed me the baby room and said; "This was going to be Mees' room. It will be the new kid's room, if..." She built a little shrine for the dead baby in the living room and it was all really pretty and sad but somehow not really real. Like the rest of the house it looked styled, done just so, but devoid of actual emotion. She is not okay and I cannot begin to understand what she is going through.

I wish it was July already and the baby would be here, all safe and sound.
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