Hello unknown guest (brinylon) wrote,
Hello unknown guest
brinylon

  • Mood:

Bitter pills

Spoke to my dad on the phone today. My mom is pretty much staying in bed all the time now. She does not want to eat, she does not want to shower, she has given up on life. My dad is feeling incredibly helpless. Neither of them have the tools to express their innermost feelings, let alone to each other. I can't communicate with my father, I can only listen to what he has to say.

I've been doing some soul searching the last couple of weeks and have come to the point where I'm almost ready to let go off the resentment over my shitty childhood. Or rather, the emotion seems to be crumbling. An increasingly shrinking part of me doesn't want to let go, still feels like my parents don't deserve to be free of that, while other parts have to point out that these feelings are only holding me back. I don't need vindication to live a good life. The theory of this has been in my head for years now but it never touched my feelings. That disconnect between knowing and feeling is eroding.

I feel that I have let go of the 11 year old me, that she is no longer an almost separate entity that I need to protect/avenge/nurture, but has become one with me and all of me can be adult now.

I feel sad pretty much all of the time and today I feel anxious. The death of my mother has come close, it is almost palpable. In a way this could be the best possible outcome, I worry a lot about her suffering terribly. If she can be spared that it would definitely be worth the loss that is even sooner than I feared. But despite everything, I don't want to be without her.
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